I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
