She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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