You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
