Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
