Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
