just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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