I'd wear matching sweaters with you
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
