my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
