If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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