you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
