Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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