$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
