i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
