You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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