I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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