I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
