who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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