I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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