My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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