Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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