I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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