ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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