spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
