i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
