totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize