I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
