Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Boobs are out for the taking
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
