Betty ford says i'm here all night
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize