some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I didn't notice because vodka
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
