mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
