I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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