you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
