i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
