at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
