Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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