I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
