I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
