my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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