Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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