Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
