too bad you live with your parents still
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
