tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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