i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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