So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
