I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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