im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Im part way to drunk.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
