Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
