I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
