i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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