If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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