and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
