There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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