What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize